Purge
by Lamb's Ear
Summary: In the wake of Va'Pak ( Vulcan's destruction), Spock's behavior towards Nyota becomes cold and his away missions more often than not put him in the line of danger when it's not dire. The crew is worried and trying to find a way to save Spock, but he's already one step ahead of them with a extreme Vulcan technique. M for language, sex and talk of suicide.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Sorry to everyone that was in the middle of reading this a few hours again, I wanted to change a word around to the right one. Thanks O66. S/U on the rocks, shaken not stir. Again no Beta :/

It was cold in his bed. He hadn't come back to rest beside her and when she rolled over to snuggle into his warmth only the frigid dip of his side of the bed had been there to greet her. Nyota sighed as she grabbed his pillow and held it to her nose, sniffing. She did not fight the burn of tears that threatened to spill. She had to to put on a professional facade of calm on duty but here inside this cabin she could let herself go. She missed him _so_ much.

How was it that in everything that Spock set out to do he would go above and beyond to see its completion but for their relationship he neglected it to the point of where it felt like bondage that neither could escape. As it stood, the long range sensor array saw more of her _sa-kugalsu_ (fiance) than she did and was certainly lavished with more attention.

Yes, he was Vulcan and she knew he had feelings for her but she had no clue about where they stood now. He was so far from her.

At first she thought it was Spock trying to keep a sense of propriety in front of the crew but behind doors he remained just as distant and...cold. And then there was _Va'Pak_ ( The Immeasurable Loss), the destruction of Vulcan, which he never spoke to her about. He just buried it and acted as if he was one in a few hundred thousand Vulcans left after his home world had it's very being ripped from the universe by way of his Prime timeline's technology. She could sense that he doggedly held himself responsible for the deaths of so many, as if he were Nero. With their last meld she heard him secretly wish to have never existed.

Nyota had long since stopped trying to instigate an intervention of his emotional backsliding, seeing that it only resulted in his deafening silence and icy glares while they ate their replicated meals inside of his cabin. He no longer took any of his meals in the galley.

The bond that he had formed while he was still her Instructor lay mute and still, like a wounded animal reckoning itself onto death. It made her feel numb to reach out to him. Did he even want her? Love her?

She looked at her comm to find the time. Spock had no need to keep one. _1135, good_ she thought to herself. Nyota slipped back into her gym clothes and exited Spock's suite. He clearly wasn't making an effort to see her before she had to go back on duty so why bother dressing there when most of her things were in her room? Just the opposite had been true two months earlier. Spock had pressed her for more time alone and with that she ended up taking a good deal of her belongings there with her.

She was almost ready for her shift on the beta schedule when she sensed his approach towards her door. She ignored the chime, reaching down to fasten her boots and check the line of her eye kohl. She shouted for his entrance as she was pushing her earrings through, applying postings to the backs. They had a tendency to wiggle free.

His dour mood of gloom and suppressed anger entered before he did, his eyes piercing Nyota with a heated stare of accusation. She waited for him to speak first. Spock wouldn't have come to her otherwise; he never did anymore.

" I have received orders this morning from Doctor McCoy to begin counseling for exhibiting anti-social behavior and signs of depression as observed by my shipmates. Would you have anything to do with my being summoned to the medical bay?" he asked, not even masking the spite in his voice. It hurt to see him this way, even more to realize he could not see something was wrong with him.

She bit the inside of her cheek to stop the snarky response that had immediately come to mind knowing Spock would be ready with an equally cutting rebuttal. They had danced that dance too many times and she grew wary of following the same steps.

" I did not recommend your evaluation, no." she said quickly, going towards the door to report to the bridge.

He blocked her path and closed the door. His warm, bergamot scent filled her nose and she felt a hollow space inside her ache. She wanted to be in his presence so much but it pained her that he rationed himself out, giving her just enough to not starve.

The last three times they had made love wasn't anywhere near the turn of phrase. His motions had been mad and frantic, like he was trying escape some invisible hold upon him. It was rough, awkward and unsatisfying. Nyota would be no where near completion when Spock would roll off of her and out of the bed to return to his shift or his quarters. They were broken and he did not care to fix it. Maybe it wasn't that exactly...perhaps he couldn't because he wasn't even able to mend himself.

He had the irritating habit of trying to do things on his own when it came to his welfare, ultimately seeing others as a distraction or too sophomoric to be of any help. He wanted to be the one manage his affairs. Nyota's presence in that regard was highly unwelcome.

" Do not evade my question, did you or did you not speak to Doctor McCoy about my emotional well being?" he questioned adamantly. She met his eyes and studied him. His hair was still growing in from being shaven bald after the Romulan space mission but the horrid facial tattoos were almost completely faded. His cheeks looked worn, the skin under his eyelids shaded a light chartreuse. The face was the familiar but she did not know this man standing before her now.

" He asked after you and I told him that you were having trouble sleeping and didn't want to take shore leave." Nyota replied crisply. He blinked and looked away from her as if he was confirming something in his head. When he looked back his face was gravely still.

" In the future I would request that you not concoct some fallacy about my person to anyone in passing. If you do so again I will report your subterfuge as slander to the Captain. I am Vulcan, my sleeping habits and social interactions should not be compared to those of a humans. I have duties to attend to during the day and I do not see how wallowing in bed or talking about trivial nothings will help me accomplish them. It's a wonder that anything gets done on this ship." he quipped.

Nyota stared at him in disbelief before pushing past him. He grabbed her arm and stopped her retreat. " Have I made myself clear, Lieutenant Uhura?"

Oh, they were back on professional terms, were they? Fine.

" Get your hand off of my arm, sir." she said slowly, her anger thinly veiled within her tone.

He narrowed his eyes at her voice's challenge but released her limb begrudgingly. Nyota drew her arm against her side wanting to rub it to relieve the pain but she didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing her as a 'weak human'. " I understand perfectly, Commander. Permission to take my leave to report for duty, sir?"

He nodded curtly. " Permission granted. Report straight to the bridge, Lieutenant."

Nyota clenched her jaw but said nothing as she made her way towards the turbolift feeling his eyes boring into the back of her head the whole time until the doors cycled close. Nero did a lot more than mass genocide by way of a black hole, he had succeeded in making Spock hollow.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Ah the joys of reading an un-beta-ed fanfic. You poor, poor fanatics. You clearly wanted to give this story an honest try if you've continued to this chapter. Since it's for Valyria I didn't want her to read it ahead of time, so here we are with misspelling, plot holes and other garbage that she didn't weed out. PoorQueequeg is working on some of her own things ( ya'll are in for a treat! Ho ho ho, but you just don't know how good) so I didn't want to bother her either. Yes there is mention of a certain character that appears in TNG and not TOS/AU but I wanted her so I wrote her into the story. As for Honi A'a, I haven't forgotten it, I actually have another chapter that I have to revise before posting but that's neither here nor there. I digress, thanks for any feedback and reviews you may have. Know that you could influence the outcome of the ending :D xoxo

A week went by and Nyota had heard nothing more from Spock.

She was in the middle of doing her hair when her door bell chimed. She didn't feel Spock's presence so she walked over, comb in hand to see who was there. Looking at her door panel screen she saw a shock of blonde hair, baby blue eyes and a trademark smirk.

Kirk? What was this about. She lodged the comb into her hair awaiting detangling and pressed the door pad to allow him passage. He looked at her curiously and gave a lop-sided grin. " So when you say you can't come out because you're shampooing your hair, you actually mean it and it takes all night?"

She rolled her eye and exhaled through her nose at his attempt at humor and stepped back to allow him to into her home.

He walked in, surrounded by an air of confidence and self-assurance, noting her decorations and many exotic plants. " Looks like your Bolian palm could use more water, may I?" he asked already grabbing at the nearby watering can and dosing the small purple tree with half of the container's contents. The feathery leaves darkened to violet, unfurling its newest growth to collect any droplets that it could save for later. Kirk stroked the leaves gently and they withdrew back onto themselves in defense. They smelled like old cinnamon.

" Captain, to what do I owe the pleasure." Nyota asked neutrally. Jim could still work her nerves but Nyota found he was getting better all the time. It appears that getting his ass kicked by Spock and almost losing everyone had brought him down to earth. It wasn't anything that the Koboyashi Maru could instill in him. A man like James T. Kirk had to be changed by reality not fiction.

He pocketed one hand and waved away her formality with the other. " Please, it's Jim or do I need to be wasted for you to remember that?" he said reflecting back on the first time that they met.

She shook her head looking exasperated but replied with his name. " No, please don't. So _JIM_, why are you here?"

She had started back in on her hair and was parting sections of it for braiding. She nodded with her head over to the small loveseat and he followed her over and sat watching her anoint her ebony strands with a mixture of oils. Jim seemed both fascinated and bewildered. Obviously he hadn't ever seen any of his girlfriends of African descent do their hair. It was a long and tedious process but it helped Nyota to think and from the length of her hair it was easy to tell she she spent a good amount of time doing both.

As she started to braid she noted Kirk's bright blue eyes trancing her finger's downward plunge towards her ends. " You wanna try?"

Kirk made a mock face of surprise face and pointed to himself as if she were speaking to someone else. She slapped his arm and moved his hands to a ready section of hair. He watched her working another section and copied the dance of her fingers. Since Jim didn't seem like he was going anyone anytime soon may as well put him to work. He was slow but he managed not to gnarl her hair up into knots. He looked at her and then glance back to the braid before he started talking.

" Spock seems kinda...off lately."

She sniffed and continued with another braid. " Does a Klingon bath once a month? Of course he is! And that son of bitch said he'd report me to you if I made any fuss about it!" she yelled in irritation but her eyes were already shining brightly with unshed tears. " Just between you and me, I don't...I don't think he wants to be with me anymore."

Jim was not one for a lady's tears and immediately tried to cheer her up. " So you're saying that you and I have a chance?"

She groaned loudly and released her hair, angrily swiping her tears away with the backs of her hands. " I irk him! He deals with me as little as he can and then buries himself in his work! I felt _so special_ when we first were bonded together but now I feel trapped to someone who would rather be alone than be with _me_!" she shook her head wanting to stop her thoughts of the past few months from being voiced but she vomited the rest of them out as well.

" Do you know how that feels, Jim? To not just wonder if he does but to know that Spock loathes you inside your mind but you only get vague visions as to why? He's with me physically, not emotionally or mentally. I...I love him and he use to love me in his own way. Now loving me is a _chore _for Spock! I'm a _burden_ now! I...!" she choked, her sobs raking through her body like wind against a trembling fall leaf clinging futilely to its branch.

Jim embraced her, pulling Nyota onto his lap and let her bawl and wail as the tide of her anguish rushed over her in a ferocious torrent. She clawed at his tunic, wanting him to be Spock, to be the human part that Spock ignored. Though he did not indulge some (if not most) of his human tendencies the one he did express to her since he courted her had been shoved down, down deep within him.

Unconditional, unselfish love.

Kirk did not rebuff her, listening as any good shoulder to cry on would and she was thankful for it. Kirk was not in love with Uhura but her loved her just as one loves a best friend, with a loyal, heartfelt force of dedication that is never questioned or measured. He sat cradling her, thumbing small circles across her back. He knew his crew was still recovering from their brush with Nero, the destruction of Vulcan and the near destruction of Earth, not to even mention the good 2/3s of their graduating classes that was murdered by the Narada but Spock was not fully human and would not mourn as the rest of them would.

" Nyota." he murmured against her forehead and her head shot up to look him in the eye. He had never called her by her first name and she wasn't sure why he would be now. He brushed her hair back from her face and cupped her face in his rough, farm-weathered hands. " I won't let him go down like this. Whether it's the logic of my words or those dictated by my actions I will save Spock from..." he waved his hand in the air gesturing around her room. " everything. I'm not for one moment going to act like I know what he's going through losing his mother and his planet the way he did but I'm not going to let him lose someone he risked his whole career kissing in front of the crew just because that might have been the last time to let her know he loved her."

New tears of relief flooded her eyes and she wiped them on a nearby towel along with her nose. She wasn't getting up for a tissue box, not with Jim Kirk declaring that he would help save Spock from himself. She had been unwittingly waiting for a moment like this. Hoping that even if she couldn't save them, she could save him. She loved him too much to let him go to death and would willingly break her heart a thousand times if it meant he would live.

" So you've seen the rash judgement and reckless actions that he's been doing as well?" she sniffled, trying to regain her composure. Jim admired her ruddy cheeks and shiny pink nose. She looks so feminine and delicate when she cried, which was a far cry from the strong Uhura he was use to seeing.

So, this was Nyota, Kirk mused to himself, soft, brave and beautiful. That Vulcan was a lucky guy, despite the fact he was being a jerk and treating her like yesterday's news.

" I was going to let the mission into Romulan space go as just a hazard of the job but when I reviewed all our away team reports and logs there have been too many incidents of Spock putting himself in harm's way unnecessarily so. I mean we all take a gamble every now and again with going into unexplored space but it's like Spock is playing at Russian roulette."

Nyota nodded and meekly returned to braiding her hair. She didn't like for others to see her cry especially if the were as unclose to her as Kirk but he didn't appear to think anything less of her. Maybe it was the years of thwarting off Spock's jealousy and marking if she spent anytime length of time alone with a male that made her anxious. He reached up and started to finish the second one he started, still having trouble with holding the three sections apart from one another. " I think he wants to die in the line of duty. Pass off a suicide as an accident during an away mission." she said finally.

He shot her a look of anger, not towards her or even Spock but at the dire notion of Nyota's statement. It did make sense. Yes, Vulcans could go with less sleep and water, were three times as strong as the average human and held great discipline over their mind and body but they were mortal just like the rest of them. Spock however needed to be reminded of the fact.

" He had his appointment with Counselor Troi this afternoon. She's fresh out of the academy and he's her first Vulcan patient but she's recommending I take him off duty until he has confronted the whatever underlaying issues are driving him towards his callous and rash demeanor."

He finished the braided but Nyota was already midway through the last section of hair. She used the braids as a protect style that she could pull quickly out of the way. She hadn't plaited her hair in so many twists in so long, Spock preferring to have it loose and billowing over her shoulders so that he could more readily run his fingers through it. He hadn't been doing much of that lately.

" I think it's for the best. We have shore leave coming up maybe time away from the ship along with a change of scenery would force Spock to face his problems?" Jim prompted. He wasn't exactly sure what Spock did behind close doors to relax but he figured whatever it was he wasn't getting what he needed from it.

" Yeah, I hope you're right." she said hoarsely pulling her braids into a tightly woven sleeping tam. Kirk cocked his head to the side curiously and shook his head. " Do you have to do that every night Nyota? The whole oil, and braids and night cap thingie?"

She laughed and found herself relaxing a bit. " No, I don't but I do tend to my hair like this every week or so. I want it healthy." she said patting the tam lovingly.

Kirk smiled as she laughed and explained her process. He was happy to see her smiling again, she had a great one. He needed her strong, her work as his chief communications officer was superb and seriously needed for the long journey ahead of them.

" Well that's enough hairdressing for me today, I gotta get to the gym and burn a few calories after loafing around in my chair all day. Just look at this gut!" he said baring his flat, steely torso.

Nyota rolled her eyes and yanked Kirk's tunic back down over his waist. " Show someone who cares, Captain." she said shoving him towards the door.

" What? You didn't even look! See, see, look I have a muffin top!" he shout drawing up his shirt again just as she was releasing the lock to the door panel. Behind it was a moody looking Spock. Jim looked at him and then back to his uncovered chest and hastily pulled down his uniform.

" Captain, why are you in Lieutenant Uhura's quarters?" Spock asked, not trying to let on that he was hurt at the scene before him. Was the Captain just getting dressed as he was leaving? Why had he sensed Nyota's immense sadness earlier? His curiosity as to the going ons of her evening flared to life.

Jim didn't miss a beat and smoothed the wrinkles out his clothing. " I was asking her a personal question that I'll now pose to you. Does this uniform make me look fat? I think it's the gold, it always washing me out. Red, though, now that's a color that makes James T. Kirk pop! Maybe I'll ask Admiral Archer about a uniform change?" he said in the midst of striking a pose that was most unbecoming for his gut.

Spock frowned infinitesimally. He did not feel he had enough energy to deal with Kirk's antics. He drew his hands back behind him and tried to hurry the Captain along. " Is this not your usual time for personal training, Captain? I believe I spotted Yeoman Rand in the treadmill room." he said casually.

Jim's eyebrows shot up and narrowed his eyes lecherously. " Oh really? Well then I shouldn't have her miss out on my company. Maybe she'll give me an honest opinion on my figure." he grinned wiggling his eyebrows and ribbing Nyota. " Kirk out people!"

The two of them watched as Kirk ran towards the turbolift until he disappeared from view.

Spock looked at her with his nose flaring. " You smell like him." he stated plainly.

" Probably. He helped me do my hair." she replied lifting the edge of the tam to show him her braids. His frown deepened and he pushed himself into her cabin. Nyota stumbled back with a indignant glare. " Oh, by all means just barge right in!"

" Why does it look like you have been crying? Did he upset you?" Spock asked while glancing around her room looking for clues as to a reason for the Captain's visit. If he had touched her...

" I got a bit emotional but nothing you need to worry yourself about." she answered, trying to follow his eyes to see what he was looking at.

" I will be the judge of that." he said flippantly. He drew her towards him using a firm hand on her lower back and smelled her. She reeked of him. He growled and throw her over his shoulder.

She grunted as the air rushed out of her and sucked her teeth at him. " Put. Me. Down."

" No." he said coolly walking her towards her small bedroom.

She blushed and stopped flailing once she guessed what was about to happen next. She was dumped unceremoniously onto the bed and he stripped himself of his clothes. She quickly did the same, her body quivering with excitement. She had be so tense with anger and concern about him that she figured a good romp would do both of them some good. She was still unhooking her bra when he crawled onto the bed and towered above her. He pushed her down onto her back and made short work of her underwear.

He could not tolerate her smelling of someone else. It rankled his nerves to no end when he caught a whiff of Kirk on her, even more to see how much it permeated her clothing. He did not however smell the musk of sex or arousal which was the only thing keeping his ire in check. He settled between her legs and caged her body with his own. He bit her as she squirmed beneath him, pinning her before thrusting his lok inside of her. She need only be covered in his scent and Spock would be satisfied.

She mewled and ran her nails down his back in pleasure. He could feel her mind rubbing against his but he did not meld with her. He held his mind apart from her and took her as a human would, with touch only.

She was insistent though, pawing at him and exposing her temples to his fingers, making her wish to meld with him known. Spock grew angry with persistence her and held her down onto the mattress by her shoulder and neck, picking up his pace. " I will meld with you when I feel the need too. Halt pushing me, Nyota and submit!" he snarled in frustration, slamming into her small, lithe body.

She whimpered and moaned his name, whether in pain or longing he did not know because he began to withdraw his mind and raise his mental shields. Nyota fisted the sheets as she was helpless trapped beneath her rutting Vulcan mate. The feeling of it was all wrong though her body was aflame with desire. Her toes curled as she cried out into the darkness of her chilly bedroom, the fall into blissfulness surging through her.

It was short lived by a particularly painful bite as Spock followed her into his own climax. She cringed and pushed at his head, fingers slipping through his slick buzz cut. He growled and bit harder causing Nyota to cry out his name in irritation.

He withdrew himself from her body; teeth, lok and hands and stood up over her. " Do not let him touch you." he warned darkly.

She looked at him. The last 35 minutes of his presence a confusing, hot mess. He was already putting on his clothing and getting ready to leave. The bastard, she wasn't a 'hit and run'! " Don't rush off!" she barked at him and he studied her with vexation. "Stay here with me for a while, just rest with me, please."

He looked at her as he buckled the tops of his boots before standing up. " I have matters to attend to." he said blandly and over and walked out of the door. It shut right before the vase that Nyota had threw at him could hit its mark.

" Bath'paik! ( Damn you!)" she screamed leaning over the bed towards the door.

They both stared at the door, thinking of going to the other before they each turned away.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Again sorry for the typos and whatnot. Doing this at midnight after a couple glasses of wine wasn't the best idea, but far from the worst. Short chapter. Hang in there.

" Just relax and we'll go into this slowly."

Spock looked up to meet the warm black eyes that were staring at him. The young betazoid counselor was trying to coax him into duel meditation but he had many reservations.

He didn't even want Nyota within his mind and she was his bondmate. Here was Ensign Troi, an almost complete stranger with a telepathy that was equally invasive as his own, albeit not touch telepathy. She wished for him to allow her touch to deepen her connection to him and better assess his mental health. He did not want her to see, he didn't want anybody to see. Nor did he wish to see any of her.

" I do not want you to touch my person, Ensign Troi. Although you are half-human like myself I'm sure you'll have more than enough of a telepathic connection to observe me."

She smiled slightly and took his reluctancy to meld with her into account. He was private as well as scared...scared of a darkness inside him. He did not wish to expose others to it, or show his fear. That was fair but keeping the sordid part of him hidden would get it out.

" While I understand that you along with most Vulcans are a very private people, using your telepathic abilities only with family members, very close friends or in dire circumstances. I know that you would never do so on a mere whim but like other Betazoid/Human hybrids I am only an empath not fully telepathic like my full Betazoid brethren. I'm asking only for a light meld to understand you and I do not ask to do so lightly." she said calmly.

Deanna felt his mood shift from a dark grey annoyance to a cerulean sorrow. She coughed to clear the lump that formed in her throat from the strength of his sadness. She was told that Vulcans possessed strong emotions when she took a Xenopsychology course in Betazed University. In addition to their physical strength their minds were dually robust. It was said to be a double edge sword though, for all their mental discipline, a few days without mediation could send one into delusions of grandeur, especially coping with a great deal of stress. She would have to be even more delicate with Spock as he clearly showed signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with the Va'Pak and death of his mother.

" At anytime you feel that the meld is beyond your comfort zone you may break it and if I feel that it is too much for you to handle right now I will ask you to stop your meditation. Agreed?"

The counselor wasn't going to back down, not when she knew him to be stubborn with the push and pull of therapy. She didn't have to be a empath to know what he thought of the whole situation. This would be a serve uphill battle.

Slowly the blue melancholy faded into a pale beige. A neutral acceptance. He nodded his head and leaned forward in his chair, all five fingers extended waiting for hers. She slowly raised her own hand and brushed the pads of her fingers onto his.

Blackness.

She was drowning, space was engulfing her. She was burning and freezing, her body stretching so quickly into the black abyss that she lived on as her spine broke apart vertebra by vertebra. Her blood was boiling inside her but skin was so icy. She could not even imagine this cold if she tried. Inhaling did nothing, there was no air to breath. A thought of a baby being ripped from its mother's womb too soon shadowed in her mind as she was torn away from her planet. She heard so many others screaming the same death cries inside her head. Dying, everything around them was being pulled beyond its limits and ingested by the universe. No more. They would be no more, and could never be again. Their katras sought refuge but found none. They were engulfed by the void. Nothing.

Then a stark white. She was safe, on the ship with her hand raised to no one on the neighboring transport pad.

No one? Someone should have been there. Mother. _Ko-mekh_. Loved but not cherished. She felt shame from her people's way, so unlike her father's. _D'vel'nahr_ ( Vulcan by choice) but it was hard to marry the two races' traditions. Her light, fluttering emotions had to be tapped out and hidden from her body language. A candle encased within a jar, her air would run out sooner or later and who she was, the human would die. She loved her but she was not allowed to accept her. Not on Vulcan, not by traditions. She was other. There was shame in not being gracious towards _Ko-mekh_ in her lifetime but she loved other just as father did. This other was Nyota.

Within her mind's eye a vision of Nyota took shape. She was glorious, haloed in warm pinks, creams and oranges. Her cheeks were flushed like rose petals and she felt twice as soft. She smiled at her touch and moved her face to be cradled within a large male's hand?

Spock's hand.

She was in Spock's mind. His thoughts. Deanne separated herself a bit so that she did not continue to linger under the influence of his ideas and memories. " I love you." Nyota murmured into his hand and he felt it pour into him like liquid gold, warm, bright and precious. She adored him and dressed him with her affections.

A flash of red streaked across the vision. Kirk and many other males desired to have her. But she was his. The image of Kirk with his shirt up and Nyota leading him out of her cabin with her bed clothing on angered him. _Tor ri estuhl t'nash-veh pudvel-tor_ ( Do not touch my chosen one) he wanted to yell but he was his superior and nothing intimate had passed between them. He still remarked her though, taking her roughly as he bit her. Nyota was hurt that he would not meld with her anymore, that he sought out her company less and less. Her pain echoed similarly to that of his mother's when he had hurt her feelings. Nyota took it personally but he could not let her see this darkness, he would not risk it killing her. It was almost killing him. Even if he could not enjoy her as he once did, she would still be near and she would be alive.

She anchored him when he needed safe harbor. He had lost so much in a matter of seconds. The actions were directed towards him. He was...responsible. He covered by the blood of his father's people and his mother's but he could not dwell on it. He had to save Earth, he had to save the Enterprise. He had to save Nyota. And he did so, with Kirk and the others. Triumph in the face of loss. But now he remained where so many others did not. Haunting him, calling him to the void to join them. He wants to leave but Nyota's love binds him here. He can not leave her. He is torn.

The connection breaks suddenly and Spock turns and vomits into a nearby trash can. Deanne's mind is still reeling when she focuses her eyes on his retching form. It is violent and the noises his makes cause her to feel queasy as well.

He spied her tissue box and cleaned his mouth with a few of them before turning to face her.

She knew it would be unprofessional to let him see her as she is now, weeping silently with her brows tilted high but she can help the amount of sadness she received from him. It remained overwhelming.

" I...I am so sorry. Did the meld cause your sickness?" she said nodding towards the trash can. He shook his head and resumed sitting on the chair across from hers. He appeared to be recovered but his hands were still trembling. He caught her looking and he knit them together tightly by his fingers.

" The meld did not inducing my 'sickness' as you put it. The vision of...my thoughts of Va'Pak ( The Immeasurable Loss {The destruction of Vulcan}) upset me...greatly. I am not able to find peace within my meditation, nor am I able to meditate on the subject itself for longer than a few minutes before my concentration...is broken." he uttered hoarsely.

He would not meet her eyes and she could feel a cloud of yellow panic settling down on him. He was frightened that he would only get worse. Perhaps hurt others, hurt his chosen one. His Nyota. His anxiety heightened and he stood tucking his hands behind his back. " If you would excuse me, I wish to leave the session early."

Deanne crossed her arms and looked at him skeptically. " Why now? I feel that we are on the same page, why not continue for five more minutes and I will leave you with some thoughts for meditation?"

If he went now, he may try and make it a habit of going early. Patients liked to see if and where their boundaries were with their doctor and Vulcans were notoriously bad her professor had told her. They did not want to lay their lives out in the open, they wanted it neatly organized and stored out of sight.

" I am actually trying to get in touch with an Vulcan elder about a technique that may aid in my quest in grieving my planet and...my mother." he said hesitantly.

She opened herself as much as she could and felt his resolve in the matter. It was the truth then. This was good, he wanted to face the issue head on but felt more comfortable with a Vulcan to assist him. " That sounds wonderful, Spock."

He looked at her blankly and exhaled a bit, not enough to be a sigh but enough to show impatience. " It is hardly a situation I would describe as being ' full of wonder'. Ensign." he said with a dip of his head and walked out of the office.

" Computer, activate Commander Spock's medical leave. Effective until my or Doctor McCoy's notice. Also note in patient's chart that he is seeking help from outside sources."

...processing...all actions completed...

She sat at her desk and pondered at his interesting note of hopefulness. What Vulcan technique could possibly help him achieve his desired effect of viewing the murder of his world and mother without being disturbed?

" Computer, search for all Vulcan mind techniques related to emotion, memories and mourning."

...processing...two results found...the first result is _Yen-tor irak-nahan_, a telepathic technique in which distressing memories are erased and forgotten and the second result is...


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Another shorty chap. Getting a bit intense starting now.

" _Kolinahr _(The purging of all emotions), you wish to perform the training?" asked Elder Zahvek.

Spock nodded at the comm and stated his logic. " I am unable to meditate at length on the matter of _Va'Pak _and I find myself at a loss of what to do otherwise. I am becoming increasing agitated and suicidal in thought. I need to cease the feeling the emotions that I can not quiet within myself. I can not ask for _Yen-tor irak-nahan_ as I would constantly be reminded of my planet's destruction with every failed shuttle trip home and every Vulcan sympathizer uttering that he 'Grieves with me.'. No, I do not wish to forget it, I am unable to handle the power of my emotions so I therefore seek to rid myself of them and face the rest of my life with logic only."

The Elder seemed impressed. He asked Spock out of habit. " Are you bonded? What does she say on the matter? I know the technique to not be popular among those with bondmates."

Spock blinked and replied. " She suffers because she can not have me as she once did. With _Kolinahr_, she will be able to receive me once more."

The Elder nodded sagely and continued. " That may be so but know that the nature of your bond will change. There will have no emotional exchange between you as you will be unable to receive any of her feelings or project any of your own. Your marriage will merely be a means of procreation and companionship through life. No more, no less. Be aware of that your _Adun'a_ may find your time of mating more intense or perhaps disturbing than those that you have had in the past which were colored by your emotions."

" What is, is." Spock said solemnly.

Zahvek studied him for a moment and loaded a number of files to their transmission. " I have attached transcripts with the steps needed to achieve _Kolinahr_. Should you find you have any issues contact me if necessary. Remember before starting the teachings of Surak ' _Kup-fun-tor ha'kiv na'ish du stau_ ( Can you return life to what you kill)?' as you take on this endeavor. Live long and prosper, Spohkh."

" Peace and long life, Zahvek."


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I'm kinda unhappy with this chapter but I want to keep going forward. I might change it later along with fixing all the typos in the previous chapters as well. The TOS song Beyond Antares gets mentioned/played on this chapter. It ain't mine, just like all the rest of these characters. It's merely me playing dolls using by streaming words together. Please don't kill me for the typos, please? How you hanging in their Vally-girl?

Update: As I said earlier, I wanted to go back and revise this ish so I did. It's looking a bit more like I wanted it too. I'm writing chapter six now and this story shouldn't be too much longer.

" What is this again?" Nyota asked as she held up the misting goblet that Gaila shoved into her hands for the third time.

The Orion smiled and leaned heavily onto her shoulder, giggling. " Mulled Orion wine. It's delish, isn't it?" she hiccuped and laughed again.

Nyota's mouth curved into an O, her sloppy buzz from the alcohol making more sense now. Leave it to the Orions to 'spice things up' in their cuisine and drinks. Spock ditched her for meditation (like she expected) so Gaila was her 'date' for shore leave on New Vegas.

She had spotted the city all the way from orbit in the view of her cabin's porthole. It glittered and shimmered like a gem in front of a flame. Enterprise circled Talos III and her beta crew began to rain down by transporter beams to the Earth colony's coordinates. As Nyota materialized on the receiving pad she was blinded by the bright, neon glow of the colony's gambling capital. Gaila immediately dragged her to the nearest dancing bar she could find and pushed drink after drink into her hand. They were Starfleet officers and similar to that of Earth's navy, drinking was a heavily practiced tradition.

Over the course of a few hours she saw the rest of her comrades. Sulu was flirting with the barista, probably trying to swoon his way into getting free drinks. Hmm, he was doing a good job of making her laugh but they guys really should have sent Kirk. Chekov looked too young to be in the bar in the first place and Scotty might charm some out of her but he'd be liable not to share afterwards. Speaking of the space devils, the three men hit the dance floor with varying success. She allowed herself to be pulled alongside them and danced with each, laughing at their ' latest dance moves'. They looked more like Vulcan that had gotten a hold of a box of chocolates and a disco music data crystal.

She stayed around until she felt particularly distant from Spock. She always missed him nowadays but she felt lonely even now as she was surrounded by her friends. She excused herself begging off the last of her wine and buzzed Lieutenant Hawkins to beamed back aboard from her comm. She stumbled through the halls still feeling nice and mellow as she made her way to Spock's suite. Even if he were in a rotten mood, she doubted he could break the daze that the mulled wine had on her.

Nyota paused outside his door and wobbled against the wall. She shut her eyes and focused. There, Spock was there in her mind but the numbness was gone. Everything felt gone?

Something...wasn't right. The closer she got the more alarmed she grew.

She couldn't feel him. Nyota frantically pounded on the chime of his door, ignoring the curious faces of others passing by, until it slide open. Spock stood in the doorway looking at her with his face completely blank. " I can assure you that I heard the chime the first time. Do you wish to enter and be in may presence?"

Nyota was perplex and despite her earlier predictions about not coming down from her alcoholic high she found herself very unnerved. " Yes, I would like to talk to you."

He stepped to the side and she entered his suite leaving her heels along the wall. She padded over to his couch and he followed her automatically. She had not been able to persuade him into a full mind meld for weeks now so she extended two fingers to him in _ozh'esta_ instead. She wished to convey her worry and concern, that she felt helpless and that she loved him but as Spock slid his fingers alongside hers Nyota looked back at her mate in muted horror.

His mind was as it was always was fluid, ordered and precise but the smoldering inferno of his emotions were gone. Extinguished as if they never existed. She panicked and raced throughout his mind searching, looking, seeking but not ever finding anything remotely resembling an emotion. He felt nothing towards everything.

Spock felt nothing towards her.

Nyota fought for control as she pressed her heartbroken questions how and why? _/What had happened? What was this? WHY?/_

He tilted his head, his reply cutting through the whirling confusion of her mind. / I have rid myself of emotion. I can continue to live now because of it. Va'Pak's hold on me was too strong. At that time I felt the emotion called despair and suffered from a condition counselor Troi called Survivor's guilt. I wished for by death but no longer. I am now logically sound in mind and body./

She shook her head as she heard his monotone voice explain why he cut away a sizable Vulcan piece of him along with most of what made him human at all.

/No, no, no, no, no, no, NO, NO, NOOO!/ she raged and dug her fingers against his psi points. Spock accepted her touch initiating a strong meld but her longing, feelings of rejection and fear echoed into the void of his heart and was met with nothing. He didn't even blink as she butted her forehead against his, her love flowing for him and of him gushing forth in an emotional deluge. She didn't know when she had started to cry but she could faintly hear herself wailing his name.

After a while he grabbed hold of her hands and pushed her away. " It appears that you need to time to come to terms with my change after the _Kolinahr_. Please go and rest and seek me out once more when you are well. It do not appear to be ovulating but perhaps I am wrong and that is causing your emotional outburst." he dismissed her.

" What the _HELL_ did you _DO_! Why would you ever do this, Spock!" she yelled at him, taking her hands out of his possession.

" It is our way." he said simply.

" Yeah?! Well it's really STUPID! And you! How could you be _so_ dense? I swear sometimes I think you are _equally_ the most dumb and smart person I've ever known. I can't believe you would do something like this without even fucking talking to me about it or is that against your Vulcan traditions as well! You high-handed PRICK!" she had managed to keep her voice down until she got to the end. The more she thought about it the angrier she became.

She was furious and in agony. She was so tired of him hurting her. It was like Spock went out his way to do it. If he wasn't putting his life on the line in every single away mission then he was doing some craziness like _Kolinahr_!

Nyota felt sick. Her head throbbed, her nose was completely stuffed, eyes red while her voice was becoming raw and her chest ached like she had been stabbed. He had done so much with one action that she didn't know where to begin with mourning him because the Spock that she knew was dead. Replaced with this stranger that was, his disquieting doppleganger.

He reached out to her, fingers extending once more, but she flinched away. She could not bare to have this Spock touch her and feel nothing from him. No attraction to her looks or intellect, no cheer as he saw her smiling at him or the brush of her mind against his and absolutely no love for her.

" Don't you dare try to touch me!" Nyota shirked at him, bring up a pillow to block his hand. She stood and backed away from him.

He looked at her, his face like a mask it was so still. " It is illogical for you to deny my touch. We are bonded. Bond mates touch each others minds."

She laughed at him. It sounded terrible, loud and forced. " Are you kidding me? You're going to debate to me what bond mates do and what's illogical? You've got some real balls, Spock! You know what? I may not be Vulcan but I know that in a relationship you DECIDE THINGS TOGETHER! What's illogical is you making a decision that involves the both of us for the rest of our lives on your own, behind my back! What's illogical is for you to try and shield me from yourself when I want to help you. What's unsound is you not giving me a change to be half your heart and half your soul when you go and fucking rip both of them out of you! Dammit Spock, I can't stand you right now!"

" Leave me until you have regained your emotional control or after your cycle is no longer making you so irrational. You will attend me tomorrow during lunch. We should discuss plans then about conceiving offspring."

Nyota looked at him for a moment and screamed. Her face was warped with rage and grief and she started to gesture with her arms as she spoke. " You're not even listening to me! Did you even hear a thing I said? I said you failed me! You failed us! You can't just choose what I get of you and what you'll take of me we get and give everything, all the shitty pain, all the wonderful joys, all of it! And now I can't even share _that_ with you on even the most basic levels! I can't even make you happy!"

" It is irrelevant. I will show you the logic." he said stand with his hand out again ready to meld with her.

" RIIII! Ti'amah!( NO! Go from me/leave me be!)" She screamed and slammed the release on the door's lock and evaded his touch as he advanced upon her.

She ran and did not stop until she reached her room. She felt him getting closer and ordered the door to remain closed unless ordered by the Captain or an override issued by the Chief of Engineering. She didn't want Spock trying to brake in with his own override codes but he would probably deduce he would run into her later, there were on a starship after all, not like she was going anywhere soon.

She striped from her clothes as soon as she passed through her main room and was still in her underwear as she entered the shower broke down. She had never ever felt this way. She could not escape the misery as it ate at her from the inside out. Her pit of her stomach churnhed and twisted as she sobbed for her _k'diwa ( beloved)_.Her mind simmered with a million questions all leading back to the pain of loosing her Spock, the one she had fallen in love with and planned to life with until death parted them. In her more romantic musings she use to think of his katra finding her soul after she died and they would dwell together, oblivious of time and space. It would mean nothing to them as they hearts and souls were finally joined into one.

" Why did you leave me?" she murmured into the white, wet tiles. " How could you go and leave me this way?"

She laid shivering on the tiling soon after the water had run cold, ignoring her comm and door chime as the chirped and whistled to be answered.

Eventually she stopped the shower drying off and dressing in a black tank, bikini briefs and knee socks. She was drained. She doubted sleep would come to her so she played music as she closed her eyes and lay on the bed.

" Computer, play Beyond Antares on repeat, volume at 30 percent."

...processing...requested processed...

_The skies are green and glowing_

_Where my heart is!_

_Where my heart is,_

_Where the scented lunar flower is blooming:_

_Somewhere, beyond the stars,_

_Beyond Antares._

_I'll be back, though it takes forever:_

_Forever is just a day!_

_Forever is just another journey,_

_Tomorrow a stop along the way._

_And let the years go fading_

_Where my heart is,_

_Where my heart is!_

_Where my love eternally is waiting:_

_Somewhere, beyond the stars,_

_Beyond Antares..._

Nyota stared out her porthole at the constellation as the melody drifted around her ears and took a shuttering breath. " _Taluhk nash-veh k'dular. Nam-tor ashaya tuluk tu vokau._( I cherish thee. I will make you remember my love). I will make you come back, Spohkh-kam."


	6. Chapter 6

__Author's Note: **CHARACTER CHANGE ALERT!** After talking to Valyria and PoorQueequeg ( and after a number of PMs) I'm going to make Spock's counselor a different Betazoid halfling named **Diana Tray** not the TNG character Deanna Troi. Bear with me, I did this with no lunch and running purely on tea.

_"Colon-who?" _Kirk asked slowly, butchering the Vulcan word despite his honest effort.

Diana sighed and repeated the word and explanation. " _Kolinahr_. Spock has been training in this Vulcan ritual to purge all his emotions from his being. When he came in today he was completely undisturbed by Va'Pak which I would say is great progress but then again he feels nothing. He was like a bucket of white paint, any emotion I projected to him was absorbed into the pail and washed out. He can't feel nor can he receive emotion from others."

Kirk's expression morphed into a scowl from its earlier confusion. " Can't he just stop his training and go back to just dealing with you and meditative therapy?"

The Betazoid counselor shook her head, clasping her hands together on her desk. " It is not so simple. A full expression of the_ Kolinahr_ takes years to perfect but I fear that which he's already done may be permanent. Life for him is no longer a series of grays, with only logic and regulations to guide him everything now is either black or white. I'm worried with this ritual Spock will now have an even harder time of relating to the human crew, sympathizing with them would be beyond his capabilities. He went from feeling too much to nothing at all."

Kirk leaned back in his seat and rubbed the stubble on his chin. If it wasn't one thing it was always something else. It had taken forever to get all those damn tribbles off the ship, though he was sure some of his crew had some of the furry critters stowed away beneath their bunks somewhere but this was more of an serious issue. " Is there anything we can do then? I won't keep him on this ship if he's a danger to my crew."

Diana hesitated. " I'm not sure. I am waiting for a reply from a message I left for the Priestly Elder that Spock received transcripts from on how to begin and proceed on his Kolinahr. If his report does not have a positive outlook for Spock's interaction with the crew then I will deem him unfit for duty here aboard Enterprise possibly with the suggestion to also give him an honorable discharge. His intentions were that of self preservation and the safety of those serving this ship. I don't think he could truly account for how his inability to feel would effect those around him."

Kirk sighed and leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees and massaged his temples. Cows and corn were so much easier to deal with but he wouldn't have traded Enterprise for the world. It was his most special and lovely lady. " Spock. Why do you have to be so damn you sometimes."

Kirk had no doubt that Spock started this extreme training with the welfare of those under his command in mind. He always put Starfleet, traditions and rules before himself and for it he was a conflicting mess of a man. No wonder he didn't want to feel, Kirk could barely imagine a life spent suppressing the way that he felt about certain orders or particular people. He was a red-blooded human through and through, emotion flowing inside him like the current in a ocean, steady and unhindered.

An ominous thought intruded upon his pondering and he looked up at Diana Tray with concern. " What about Lieutenant Uhura? Is it safe for her to be around him?"

The counselor spread her palms open before him before pressing them together again with a slight nod of her head. Jim nodded his understanding and took note of the woman before him. More than anything Kirk loved a strong woman, which was probably way he loved Starfleet women, especially those of comprising his crew. The Betazoid before him was quite lovely indeed, her looks exotic and sharp. She has gorgeous hair Kirk thought idly. And those eyes, they shine like polished jet. He mentally shook himself and focused back on the matter at hand when she started to speak again. Enough daydreaming.

" She should be fine for now. Spock won't feel lust or desire towards her sexually but I imagine she will feel quite lonely and depressed with their relationship how it stands now. I suggest that she receive regular sessions of counseling as well until Spock's condition is assessed as temporary or permanent."

Kirk flashed her a quick smile that did not meet his eyes and he grunted as he rose from the chair. " I have to get back to the bridge. Inform me of any progress on this matter and send the reports to my quarter's computer logs. I'll send them to Starfleet once we have something more definitive. Knowing the brass they'll pull Spock out like a plug and bury him somewhere as a desk jockey if they catch wind of this so keep it off the record for now. Just give us some time to sort this mess out."

" Of course, Captain." Diana said with a polite bow of her head. What worked on Earth didn't always work in space and even if Spock was decomissioned they would still have him aboard the ship until they docked back at Earth for repairs or met up with another Starfleet vessel headed in that direction. Which then would make the Vulcan their problem. Their annoying, logical problem.

He was just exiting Diana Tray's office when his comm chirped at his side.

He flipped it open with a flick of his wrist and turn the volume dial. " Kirk here."

"Capteen, can ye hurry up and report to the bridge please?" asked an exasperated sounding Scotty.

The Captain continued towards the lift, dipping his head to those in passing and giving a flirtatious wink to one teary eyed Yeoman Rand as he came to stand outside the turbolift wanting for it the cab to arrive. Why was she crying? " Can I ask about the nature of your request, Scotty? I'm on my way right now but why did you deem it necessary to call?"

The Scotsman asked the Captain to hold and Kirk heard a number of muffled voiced sounding none too happy and the Engineer's being the loudest among them. " God, man why don' ya just leave her be? She's just gonna continue to scream at ya like banchee! Captain PLEASE report to the bridge! Our dear Commander is being very generous with his logic and I think Lieutenant Uhura gonna cut him down by his knees!"

Kirk boarded the lift and called for the bridge zipping up as he heard Montgomery begging who he assumed to be Uhura to put her ear piece back in and that he would not in fact hold her earrings as she punched some sense into the Commander. " Kirk out." Jim said sighing and cursing under his breath.

As the doors slid open, he felt a headache coming on. No wonder Pike drank so much.

Chekov and Sulu were holding a furious looking Uhura back by her arms (and having a hard time of it by the looks of it) as she flailed trying to get to the stoic looking Commander with his hands neatly tucked behind his back. Either he was really sure of Chekov's and Sulu's hold or he was he was stupid. Uhura look like she wanted his head on a stake as she flung curses at him in about 4 different languages, the least offensive being Klingon. Now that was something.

Scotty looked over to the turbolift and sighed in relief. " Oh thank GOD! Captain, the Commander has been reorganizing our stations and assessing our performance reviews a month ahead of schedule in FRONT of everyone else. It was bad enough that he made Janice cry but when he got to Uhura I thought she had turned into a Mugato, the way she almost lifted the Commander as she shoved him out of the way! She's a lot stronger than she looks. Umm, are we in trouble?" he rambled coming to a halt in front of a stunned Kirk.

A took a breath and did a signature Pike ear-piercing whistle. Spock whined as everyone turned to face him. He put on his sternest face and regarded his crew. " Everyone back to your stations or have you all joined the diplomatic corp and are practicing wasting your breath and my time? Spock! Uhura! My ready room now!"

And with that he marched off not waiting to here any explanation either would put forth to him now.

The helmsman and navigator release Uhura once the Commander was out of striking distance.

Sulu smirked and leaned over to Chekov. " Looks like these two got sent to the principle's office."

Nyota cuffed him on the back of the head as she made her way towards the ready room, jolting the poor man forward into Chekov. " Itai! Nande?! ( Ouch! What/why?!)"

Nyota looked over her shoulder and sneered. " Butsu butsu iwanai-de! ( Quit your bitching)"

Sulu's eye widen and he held up his hands in surrender. " Gomen gomen! ( Sorry sorry!)"

Chekov hung his head and shook it. " You are so bad wit de ladies, Hikaru. You're hopeless."

Sulu shrugged and both resumed their post as Uhura joined Spock and Kirk.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Thanks everybody for your reviews and pm's! I really appreciate it and it helps me to keep writing and to better shape this story. Please do continue and so shall I. BTW, Valyria's put out some really great fics so go and read. PoorQueequeg is having some tech. difficulties but should be hopefully back up and running *sighs* Oh well, here you go and remember it's sooooooo not beta'd.

Kirk glared at the two officers standing before him. " Spock, you mind telling me what the hell you're doing on the bridge while on medical suspension?"

The Vulcan eyed him coolly before replying. " I was working on finishing and filing away my open reports and science logs when I noted the efficiency of the bridge crew's reaction time could be improved by 23% with slight alterations to the seating arrangement. And with my medical leave issued until further notice I thought it to be wise to get my performance reports out of the way as well."

Kirk looked at Spock with his mouth agape. " Seriously Spock? You that it would be okay with me to still work on medical leave AND rate people's performances out in the open?"

Spock bobbed his head and Nyota rolled her eyes so hard Kirk thought for sure they would fall out.

Kirk eyed his Chief communications officer and knitted his fingers together in front of him. " And you, Uhura. What's this with you about to practice Mok'bara on my number one?"

He couldn't be sure but he thought he may have heard her smack her teeth and seen her roll her neck a bit. " Captain, the commander was being totally mad. He made my attentiveness towards procreation a part of my evaluation! I told him me having babies has nothing to do with my job and he said in front of everyone that it was my job towards him to do so! And he also said that my hair length was too long to meet the code so I had to either cut it right then and there or place it in a bun. I was only going to hit him after he said I would do better to follow his example of living by logic alone or else our children would be tainted with needless emotion."

She shot dagger at him with her glowering stare and Spock, oblivious of the Nyota's death glare, defended his position. " I did not know how irrational a human mate could be until now. I have found Lieutenant Uhura to be illogical is outside of her work and in the prime of her child rearing years. I merely suggested that she consider raising our family and having time to mature before returning to her post and resuming her duties. Having children would benefit her mind greatly."

Nyota huffed and looked at Kirk with a ' do you hear this sexist bullshit?!' look while Jim palmed his face. " I can't believe you're actually saying what you're saying, Spock." he groaned. " Do you even want to be married to Uhura?"

At that Spock tilted his head, computing his reply. " I am unsure. When I had emotions for her, our bond was strong but now with her denial of bearing children and failing to see the logic of my words and actions I concluded that we are possibly ill-matched."

Nyota's glare melted into heartbreak. " What? Just because I'm not ready to have kids and don't agree with you 100% of the time you want to cut _your bond_ with me?"

Spock nodded and laid his chin to rest on his steeple fingered hands. " I believe my former bond mate has lost her Adun. Perhaps we could reconcile."

Nyota quickly looked away from him and stared a Jim. Her lip quivered as she steeled herself to be strong. " Sir. I apologize for my earlier behavior towards the Commander. If you should seek any disciplinary action towards me I would not challenge your right to do so. Request permission to return to my station, sir?"

Kirk wanted to hug the weary woman standing before him but he couldn't. He was her Captain right now, not her friend.

" Request denied. Go to report to Ensign Tray for counseling and then you are off duty until I give you notice."

He turned to Spock and grimaced. " And you Mr. Spock are not allowed on the bridge until I give you orders that you have been taken off of medical leave and _need_ to report for duty. If I see you _anywhere_ that isn't the galley, gymnasium, observation deck or _YOUR_ quarter's, not Nyota's YOURS, I will personally see about serving on your disciplinary board. You went against a direct order of being relieved of duty and then went out of your way to try and change around the bridge layout. Next time you get a '_bright idea_' be sure to run it by me, because last time I checked I was the Captain! Both of you, dismissed!"

He watched them as the stood at attention and filed out, waiting for them to leave before exhaling a heavy sigh.

To hell with today. They could fight Klingons, Romulans and unknown enemies but they couldn't afford to fight amongst themselves because that would be the one thing that could truly destroy them.

This was about as bad as the time that he had been ordered to abandon Scotty, Bones, Spock and a good deal of other high ranking crew members on their way to Markus III to delivery supplies. Tempers were high and Spock chose to try and save the others by sacrificing himself to the native inhabitants of the planet orbiting around the quasar like system of Murasaki 312. And he would have done so too if Uhura hadn't of commandeered the shuttle and arrived in the nick of time to stop him from leaping to his death.

" Ugh, Uhura. You save us so much, please do it one more time for Spock. And I'll do it one more time for you too." Kirk said quietly looking out of the grand view of Antares from his porthole. A picture of his brother and his family after being saved against all hope hung beside it. His wife and son were smiling widely and his brother had the smug grin of Kirk confidence pasted onto his face. He had no doubts of being able to save him, for him it had been all a matter of when. Jim squared his shoulders and narrowed his eyes. Yes, he was a Kirk and Kirk's don't quit.

" Save him Nyota and I'll save you. I don't believe in no win scenarios."

Nyota ignored Spock as she rode the turbolift down and walked to her quarters. He was still insisting that she consider becoming pregnant within the next several months because of the highly favorable tilt and flare of her hips. She open the door and closed it in his babbling face, releasing a groan of relief as she heard it lock.

She wasn't a quitter and even if Spock's crazy, 'logical' ass wanted to dump her she was still going to try and fix his mess. Because she owed it to the Spock that she use to know.

She sat down at the small table in her main room and clicked a bottom on her computer. A number of files portioning to _Kolinahr_ pop-up and floated onto the screen. She had been researching the ritual ever since Spock told her of his training and had been trying to find a way of reversing the process. It wasn't looking good. It was time to double team this.

Nyota tapped in the subspace coordinates and routed a call to New Vulcan. She went to the kitchen and grabbed a carrot juice shake that she had replicated earlier this week. She sniffed and dipped her tongue in. Mmm, still good. She quaffed it down and returned to her seat in front of her comm, waiting for the connection to lock in.

Finally the symbol of New Vulcan appeared and an elderly Vulcan materialized on the screen before her with a bit more curiosity showing in his face than another of his people might deem necessary to show. To even express it at all was peculiar but this was no ordinary Vulcan.

"Lieutenant Nyota Uhura. Once my dear shipmate and musical companion now and always my friend. To what do I owe the pleasure?" mouthed Spock Prime.

Nyota, for once wanted things to be sped along by typical Vulcan briskness. She raised her hand in ta'al and thanked him for his politeness at receiving her call to which he gave her a tiny smile. Spock Prime was so much more expressive than her Spock (especially now) that she found the gesture a bit unnerving. " Are you familiar with the ritual of _Kolinahr_?"

The older Spock went rigid with attention and gave a slight nod of his head. " I am. I once underwent severe and brutal mental training to complete the technique, I failed to do so after many months spent in the Vulcan wilderness. It seemed that my emotions refused to be snuffed out completely, human nature always finds a way and fights to survive where a Vulcan would more than likely come to terms with death. To this day I still have lingering effects. I found that my mourning of _Va'Pak_ to be much less intense than that of other Vulcans."

Nyota was shocked. She remembered later on, after the Enterprise limped by to earth's space dock, that Kirk asked her about her experience of melding with Spock.

Jim told her of doing so with Spock Prime and how startling the whole event was, that the strength of his sorrow had actually constricted Kirk's heart and stopped him from breathing; that the power of his determination after finding Jim was like a mantra of life's purpose.

There was nothing else but the will to save earth.

She had been circumspect about what and how she shared her melding experiences since they were mostly during times of great intimacy. " He and I...we both lose ourselves in one another. his wants become mine, my needs become his, we become one in our love for each other. We are at our most vulnerable but with that openness,... we are at our most cherished."

Kirk had looked at her with a wide eye stare of awe. " Man, I gotta get me a Vulcan...or an Uhura. You got any sisters?"

Spock Prime knocked her from her musing with a question. " Why do you ask about such a rare and extreme mind technique?"

" Because my Spock has started to do so."

Spock Prime's tilted eyebrows danced upwards and he gave a small Vulcan frown. " It is unwise to do such a thing when serving and living among human, for which emotions are valued. Even more so when bonded to one. Has he...injured you?"

His voice held concern as well as righteous anger.

It seemed that even though he never considered her Prime counterpart an option for a mate he still very much cared for Prime Uhura, which trickled over onto her in turn. " No, just my feelings." she smiled ironically.

He looked grim now and his voice was all seriousness when he next spoke. " Uhura, you must be prepared to protect yourself and others at all costs. When I underwent my training it was in hopes of becoming a monk and dwelling among others that performed _Kolinahr_. Our life of logic out in our desert temples would not impede on others that choose not to do so. We would come to conclusions on what was our purpose, what goals should be achieved and how life should be lived and saw to it that nothing got in the way of it. Those that were or chose to be bonded while under the hold of _Kolinahr_ had strained relationships at best and their _Pon Farr_ was especially...violent. I worry that Spock, as a bonded male, would follow the logic of having children after _Va'Pak_ to help ease the Vulcans' dwindled population. He would see it as a reasonable step in your relationship and your desires to wait would be marked as emotional, selfish and unimportant."

Nyota lowered her eyes and rolled her jaw, exhaling softly. " I need your help to break this. I want Spock back. He did this for me and the crew and I know he didn't know what the consequences would be. If he did I think he would have just continued with his pain..."

The Elder blinked rapidly and scowled like he was trying to recall something. " I may have an idea but I dare not tell you with the possibility of Spock melding with you and finding out our plan. Just know that I will call Captain Kirk and request to intercept him around...why is your next heading?"

" We're on course to Talos I. We're been delivering supplies to the colonies in this system and we'll move along to the Alpha Centauri system once all of our crew has had a week's shore leave which should be done in the next 2 days."

" Ah well then, I shall join you on your way to Alpha Centauri and we will give this plan a shot. Yes, it may work but I have to keep with a few Elders to make sure." he mumbled a bit.

He looked at Nyota with warm eyes and she felt herself actually smiling back at him.

" I am curious. Please indulge an old Vulcan on this matter and tell me Uhura..."

" Nyota. You may call me Nyota. Aren't we friends?"

" Yes, of course, Nyota. Tell me, do you ever happen to feel like crying when you hear the word frequency?"

Nyota quirked her eyebrows and gave a lop-sided smile. " There are times that I feel that I hear it way too much, yes."

" And Spock, did he ever tell you that you were an attractive young lady or ask if you've ever been in love?"

Nyota blushed and nodded meekly. " Yeah, well he more or less asked and did so."

Spock Prime rubbed his chin and arched a perfectly silver eyebrow. " Fascinating. Some things don't quite change."

Nyota looked at him fondly, her make up accenting her eyes. " I'm not surprised, Mr. Spock. Live long and prosper."

He gave her a bemused look as if he were reminiscing on memories of his old timeline. " Yes, I am sure you are not. Peace and long life, Nyota. I shall see you in three days time."

The screen went blank.

Nyota sat staring at the comm for a while before getting up and going to her bedroom. She dialed her locker open and retrieved a Klingon disruptor. Checking the charger and grabbing a pair of gloves she latching on a belt and set in the gun in its holster.

Closing the locker door, she got up and went towards the door. " Better stop putting it off." she whispered right as the room darkened and closed behind her.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Hey gang, I noticed a few of you just recently joined this emo bandwagon. Welcome aboard. I have most of the story done now so all I have left is tidying up my sentences and finding misspelled words. Things are busy over here at the homestead so I don't know how long it my take in between chapters. And for all my American and Canadian folks go and buy early premire tickets for Into Darkness! I just got mine for the 15th of May *swoons and does a happy dance* Go Boldly! Oh yes and out of respect for Obessive66 and the rest of you all who are putting up with mondo typos I will be going through at the end with Valyria and my Adun to clean Purge all up. No pun intended. **

Her breath was unnaturally loud in her ear as she took aim with the disruptor and leveled her arms. She focused of the rhythm of her breathing and counting the beats in between.

In...1..2..3

Out...1...2...3...4...5

Spock was finishing up his _Suus Mahna_ cool down when he caught sight of her.

She released the safety.

He blinked and stepped towards her. " Nyota..."

She closed one eye and narrowed the other with scope in her view, locking on her target.

He continued forward, padding over to her softly. " Nyota."

She inhaled and lined up the shot.

"_Khio'ri _(Star)?"

She exhaled and discharged the pistol.

Spock stopped, looking first at the smoking hole that released a torrent of emerald onto the ground and then towards his mate.

" You missed the heart."

She slowly lowered the firearm and opened her mouth to speak.

Nothing came out.

_Two hours earlier_

" Counselor, what are you suggesting I do?"

The Betazoid hybrid pursed her lips and huffed through her nose. Nyota wasn't trying to be aggressive, but after almost a year of being in a strained relationship and high tension away missions, that was her natural defense towards a conflict.

The lieutenant was projecting her frustration quite clearly compared to a typical human's muddled demeanor. Perhaps years of communicating with a telepathic partner had trained and disciplined her thoughts.

" I meant no offense when I told you that your relationship with Commander Spock is probably at an end." the Ensign said slowly. Nyota rolled her eyes and slumped in her seat.

" Even in arranged marriages, humans and Vulcans share an emotional bond with their spouse though may not become as strong as those born out of love. This is a very important aspect for mated humanoids and for humans it is essentially vital. With every person you meet, their actions towards you impact your outlook and behavior towards them. All of these interactions are guided by emotion. From the way the centurion at the main gate admires you to the way a classmate greets you in the morning, all these interactions strengthen your interpretation of who that are and how you feel about them."

Diana got up and paced from behind her desk to sit beside Nyota on the chaise. She cupped her soft, brown hands inside her own and looked Uhura in the eye.

" You could fall in love, you could grow to hate by the way your human emotions translate people's actions or reactions towards you. Vulcan emotions are different biologically and culturally but not so much that you two wouldn't have had hope for a happy and rewarding relationship. There was a time where that possibility was true but now...I'm trying to tell you that Spock has changed. He is so _far_ removed from you that if it suited him he'd leave you in a heart beat and would only return to 'mate'. I say this because I _saw_ this, in his mind. You need to serve your bond."

The thin African woman shook her head and closed her eyes with furrowed brows. Despite her display, Diana could sense that Nyota would not deny her claims.

"Nyota, he can no longer _love_ you. He can not feel emotions. I doubt he could be ever able to again."

Nyota flinched out of her hold as if burned and stood up glaring down at her. It was then that the counselor noticed the disruptor at her side.

Why would she have one? Was she planning on shooting...?

" Lieutenant, why are you armed?"

" For a test."

Tray sought out Nyota's emotional welling being as best she could but the lieutenant was masking her feelings with a cloud of indifference.

" Please be seated and let's resume the session." Diana said cautiously.

" We're done here."

" Lieutenant Uhura, we still have 20 more minutes."

Nyota narrowed her eyes and pulled on her gloves. " I said we're done Ensign. Do I have to make that an order?"

She turned her back to the counselor and walked off with cool anger streaming in her wake, not waiting for an answer.

The Betazoid shuttered and clicked on her comm, hailing Security crewman Hendorff. The comm link buzzed to life and a gruff voice rang out over the comm. " Hendorff here."

" Yes, this is Ensign Diana Tray and I need a two man security detail placed on both Lieutenant Nyota Uhura and Commander Spock effective immediately."

" Roger that, wilco. Hendorff out."

The Ensign sighed in relief and walked back over to sit behind her desk. She lowered her head to rest on her forearms. " How is this going to end?"


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Ugh I hate this chapter but it leads into the climax. So yes, un-beta'd, yes typo-licious but here we go. BTW, thanks for all the reviews as of late. Nyotarules made me laugh along with DianaTrayFanGirl ( SMDH) and Caligirl87 was the first to comment on my Chapter 8 cliff hanger. I'm so bad about getting back to you guys but do know that I love them and use them to tweak my already written chapters. Valyria if you not crying yet, you will be in a couple of chapters.**

_Present_

She pulled off her gloves and cursed as Spock came to stand beside her. " Why did you distract me, couldn't you see I was getting ready to shoot?" she hissed at him.

They both looked away from each other and studied the Romulan ballistic gel dummy that was oozing green slime onto the floor. With the strength of the laser, each shot that made its mark would have been an instantaneous kill.

" You must be able to proficiently point shoot as well as sight shoot as an approved member for away missions." he stated calling up her target results from the shooting range booth she was housed in.

" 92.5 accuracy overall. You have improved but you still require more practice and clearly more focus. If you considered my mere presence a distraction then what would you think of a Klingon that was trying to get his disruptor back from you?"

She disarmed the weapon and strapped it back into the holster at her hip. " I wouldn't think _much_ of him because he'd already be _dead_ if I had his disruptor." she said as a matter of fact. "You could have waited until I was done, that was my last shot."

He pondered her words as she filed her results away in the computer's database. All commissioned officers were asked to their kinematic records up to date and phaser/disruptor training had been the last thing that Nyota had left on her assessment. As she reviewed her log Spock loomed nearby, clearly wanting to speak with her.

She gritted her teeth, tapped the screen to approve her results and looked back at him. His face was blank, his body more or less relaxed and stood tall in his surroundings.

God, he made her so _tired_. Just the thought of speaking with him made her feel exhausted. " Can I help you?"

" Yes, I request your presence tonight at my quarters at 2100 hours to discuss our relationship and bond."

He noted a micro-expression flash across her face. Curious. Why would she suppress showing her emotions now in front of him after being more than demonstrative in earlier interactions?

Ever the scientist he asked, " Does my suggestion of coming to a conclusion on what should be done about our current situation cause a negative emotional response in you?"

A nanosecond long sneer appeared once more on her face, this time accompanied with a facial tick. " No, I'm fine. I'll be by your cabin in a couple of hours. See you then." she mumbled before dipping her shoulder and walking around him.

He turned and watched her exit the gym. His eye narrowed as her form disappeared in view. She was lying.

Hendorff joined Doctor McCoy, Head Nurse Chapel, Captain Kirk and Ensign Diana Tray in the Captain's ready room. The room was definitely getting its share of visitors lately and was well stocked with refreshments. The crewman eyed the water and nodded his thanks when the Captain extended his arm toward the tray as a way of giving permission.

" Hello Cupcake, what do you have to report?" the bright eyed blonde teased.

The crewman sighed and took a sip of his water. " Sir, I thought we got past the cupcake name calling?"

Kirk's nose crinkled and he pouted his mouth out a bit. " Then how are you going to know how special you are without me using your official call sign?"

The burly man hunched over in his chair in horror. " Sir, you didn't..."

Kirk looked innocent as he watched his fingers drumming across the table. " I don't know...maybe somebody, somewhere registered the name officially...but I really wouldn't know. Getting back to your report, crewman."

If Hendorff didn't already looked distressed about his new call sign, then he looked downright miserable giving his report.

" We still have one tail on both Lieutenant Uhura and Commander Spock but after leaving the gymnasium neither has made anymore contact with the other. When we spoke with the shipmates exercising or using the target booths nearby they reported hearing Spock and Uhura making plans to meet up tonight at 2100 in his quarters. The Lieutenant looked uncomfortable but agreed to the arrangement. Permission to speak freely, sir?"

Kirk nodded and Hendorff continued after another sip of water. " I'm worried that if they make contact and actually meet that 'things' may escalate and not in a good way. The Lieutenant has pretty good aim with that disruptor of hers and Mr. Spock..."

" Wait...her WHAT?!" the captain yelled.

The crewman shrunk in his chair a bit, clearly guilty of not telling the captain earlier about the contraband weapon. " Yeah, about that, she has a uh...Klingon disruptor. Since the Commander didn't make a fuss about it I didn't think it was that big of a deal since he's such a stickler for the rules and regs..."

Kirk's jaw twitched as he ground his teeth and looked around the room. " Just so I know, off the record, how many of you guys have something illegal in your possession aboard this ship?"

Everyone looked at each other and back at Kirk and slowly raised their hands.

Kirk looked around dejectedly and threw up his arms. " Seriously? I knew it! You guys, we can't keep going on doing things like spiking the replicators to season everything with Orion spice, which you could only do if you had it ON BOARD! It took weeks to get everybody back on active duty and prime condition! Do you know how much Pike chewed me out for that?!Ffffuuuuu..." he muttered into his hand as he rubbed his jaw. " Never mind, it just reminds me that I need to do a ship wide sweep. I should have done so after we took that shoreline at that Rigellian colony."

Everyone nodded, mumbled or shrugged more or less in agreement with his statement.

" Okay, moving on. Ensign Tray, report."

The counselor straightened in her chair and flicked her PADD on from sleep mode. " Commander Spock has assured me that he is no longer proceeding with his _Kolinahr_ training after we spoke of the impact it would have on his Starfleet career. I spoke with the Elder Zahvek but he had nothing more to offer me than what he had already given to Spock. It seems no one has attempted to ever reverse the effects of the ritual and Zahvek was hard pressed to even try to tell me how we should even try to begin."

Doctor McCoy grunted and crossed his arms. " That _sounds_ about right. Vulcans are always tight lipped about this business. It only took us hundreds of years to figure out about their mating cycle, God knows what else they're keeping from us. If they had it their way we would be under the illusion of that their shit didn't stink and smelled of _roses_!"

Kirk winced and eyed his friend. " Bones, tone down the racism, would ya?"

Bone threw up his arms and commented on how no one could say anything around here as Diana continued her report. " All in all, the Commander is no longer having suicidal thoughts or signs of depression but Uhura is definitely feeling a great deal of stress."

Kirk nodded and rested his chin on his steepled fingers. " Hmm, I have been in communication with Spock Prime and it seems that he and Uhura may have a plan to relieve or rid our Spock of his Kolinahr symptoms. He is set to rendezvous with us at...", Jim checked the comm on his desk and noted the time. " 2 day and 4 hours. In the meantime, I'm putting Operation _Lovesick for RomCom_ into play."

The gathered crew looked at him in confusion and he gestured with his hands to explain.

" Nurse Chapel, I need you to go to Uhura's quarters 10 minutes before her meeting with the Commander and put your acting skills to work. Come by crying your eyes out and ask for a sympathetic ear. I know you two are good friends and she's a tender hearted person despite the front she puts on for work so she shouldn't turn you away. Once you guys are about to part ways, comm Ensign Tray. Ensign I want you to issue an order for Uhura to relax with close friends watching romantic comedies as a part of her therapy and to avoid Spock at all costs. If she challenges it, say that the order is directly backed by me and Senior medical officer McCoy so she can't pull rank on you."

Jim turned to McCoy with a smile. " And you my good doctor, I'm sure you have one of those delightful vaccine cocktails mixed up somewhere for our dear Vulcan to get updated on and otherwise incapacitated by?"

The Doctor shrugged with a bit of a smirk and nodded. " I'm sure I have something lying around the bay..."

" Great! Well then, Hendorff please report back to your detail that I want constant surveillance on those two until we get this mess sorted out. Once Prime gets here in a couple of days our Spock should be more or less good as new. Ugh, you can give me Klingon armada any day if that meant I didn't have to deal with this." Kirk said grabbing his glass of water. " Dismissed."

" Ugh if I have to see one more sappy ending I'm going to puke!" Nyota groaned as she left Nurse Chapel's cabin. The first movie was actually really fun to watch but after the fifth ' strange, misfit girl meets handsome, quirky stranger and after a series of awkward encounters fall madly in love' story variation she was done with was done with romcoms. Give her Die Hard 16 any day, action was more of her thing. Maybe she would do that on the third day of her movie marathon with Nurses Chapel and Steele.

She was just about to enter her cabin when a pair of arms locked around her in a steely grip. She fight automatically and the arms readjusted to her shoulders. One hand pinched down sharply her trapezius and her vision quickly faded into black.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Whoa mama, this one is a doozy. Be prepared, my darlings because there is some more angst ahead and not just in this chapter but the last chapter as well. Oh boy, get ready for FEELINGS. And another cliffhanger ;p because I'm doubly cruel. Valyria...boo hoo :). OH and please review this and go read PoorQueequeg's and Valyria's latest stuff. Ish is golden!

Nyota groaned and winced in pain.

She felt hot like she had a fever, her mouth was dry and her arms stiff. Why was it that she only felt hot on her torso? She blinked her eyes open to focus on sickly looking Spock nestled up beside her on her loveseat. He was dozing and she swiftly jerked away and ran for the door.

She wasn't even 8 feet away before his nimble fingers clamped down on her left bicep, spinning her around to face him mid step.

"Hafa'uh (Stay)!" she yelled, tightening his grip on her arm.

Before his second hand found her other arm, she shoved the heel of her palm underneath his chin with teeth-clattering force.

She cried out in pain as she retracted her hand. It felt like she had pushed it into a brick wall.

He growled as his jaw slammed shut and he moved to restrain her once more but Nyota tucked her arm back behind her as she cocked it for the second attack.

This time she threw her all of her weight into the blow, pivoting and sending her fisting into his nose. A trickle of blood slipped down his nose settled on the seam of his lips. He snarled at her sending the blood running between his sharp teeth. In a last ditch hope he stamped the heel of her boot onto his toes and was rewarded with his release of her arm.

She ran four more feet before he pushed her into the wall beside the door. She was dazed but soon worked to clear her mind as he caged her in with his oppressive form.

Her body shook with rage and terror as Spock's chest pinned her against the wall.

He cocked his head to the side and observed the small, livid female trapped against him. She was his mate, so why did she fight him? He was leaning closer to scent her when she spat in his face.

A rejection. His jaw clenched as he growled a warning. His body and mind worked to reason her actions plotted a course for his own.

Nyota was his. She was weaker. She was female. Logic dictated that she acknowledge those facts while biology demanded that she submit to them. Spock grabbed her shoulder and wretched her neck to the side with more force than necessary.

Her attempts to break free of his grip ceased. The part of her that housed her will to survive bid her to be still. As the fight or flight response cooled, Nyota's mind subconsciously recognized herself as prey within the hold of the predator, with the chase finished and the fight lost.

That did not satisfy his Vulcan male ego. She glared at him through slitted eyes with a look his body defined as disdain.

_Mark her _his body sang, _make her and everyone else see that she is yours, she needs to be controlled._

He eyed the bunched muscle that joined her neck to her shoulder with interest. His mind chimed in, _yes, if you bite Nyota as you pin her in place there is a 87.7% chance of her no longer resisting your advances_. Those were highly favorably odds.

" _Nekhau_! (Submit!)" he snarled as she resumed her struggle to rid herself of his touch during his pondering.

Nyota cursed at him in his native tongue inflaming his need to break her all the more. Spock cut off her words with a rip of her uniform's collar. His hot mouth met her skin and he quickly sank his canines deep into her shoulder.

She screamed, clawing at whatever she could reach of him and Spock clamped down harder.

Her howl morphed into a shrill wailing and her hands pushed against him weakly. He growled into the ragged wound he was making and she grew even more placid within his jaws.

Her hands were at her sides now and she cried loudly. It was hard to understand her, she spoke in standard mixed with Swahili but repeated her words enough that he caught on.

" Don't. Do not do this to me,...to us." she pleaded between jagged breaths.

A strange sensation tickled his stomach and he paused. He could not reason what it was but he had a passing thought that it may be her distress. Since the time he started the _Kolinahr_ ritual she had been increasingly averse to his attention let alone presence and yet she did not ask for a severance of their bond.

Spock could not deduce why she had stayed with him when being in his proximity clearly made her emotionally distraught. He released her from his mouth and looked at her with blood smeared across his chin.

" Explain why you have remained? Why do you stay bonded to me?" he demanded.

Her head rolled against the wall and she sobbed. Her make up gave her tears a ghastly appearance as the inky rivulets trailed down her face. " Because...I love you."

" That is not reason enough to stay." he replied slowly still trying to understand her logic.

She further confused him by laughing. Her chest vibrated against his as she let the gale continue into crying once more.

" You know Spock, I am almost incline to agree with you at this point. It's not a good reason to stay, is it? I love you and you once loved me. So fiercely that at times it scared me. And I have been trying _so hard_ to resurrect your feelings that I don't know if I can fight it or you anymore. Why did you _do_ this?" she whispered in between hiccups.

Spock grunted and put some space between them. She was so confusing.

He really had hoped that T'Pring would have been available for bonding but she had already been paired off as soon as she had reached New Vulcan. The Vulcaness had told him that her new mate had helped her in dealing with the loss of Vulcan and her family and that he should seek to reconcile with his current bondmate, but she was so illogical.

What did he ever see in her? Perhaps it was that emotion that the humans valued so much called love. He was better off to be rid of it and the human taint it carried with it.

She did not fight him as he began to lave at the bite marks lining her shoulder nor did she struggle too much he sought out her panties underneath her skirt.

He would mate with her and she would bear his children and when they were weaned he would take them to New Vulcan with him and be raised in his people's tradition. That way she could keep her career aboard the Enterprise and he could raise them logically and away from these irrational humans.

Spock had just brushed against the elastic lining when the door opened next to them and the wizen looking twin of himself stepped out and tweaked his shoulder, making him slump to the floor.

Nyota looked at Prime and ran into his arms, trembling with a bit of shock. He cradled her awkwardly, trying his best not to touch her as he spoke to her softly in his native tongue.

" _Do not fear, Khio'ri. I shall not let myself hurt you anymore than I already have. I am sorry that the Kolinahr was the spear in my hand that went through your heart. Please let me mend my wounds and heal us both_?" he said gently pressing her away from him.

She looked around bleary eyed as others poured into the room. Nurse Chapel immediately rushed to her side and wrapped her in a huge bear hug, while she watched Captain Kirk rip a security crewman a 'new one' for leaving her unattended to go and use the bathroom.

" At least Ensign Leslie had the excuse of being knocked unconscious!" he shouted as he marked him down for demotion.

McCoy rushed in scowling and waved his tri-coder around her wildly. " Thank god, I gave him about 20 vaccines in a row orelse you would have been dealing with a crazy, full strength Vulcan in your room! That he was even able to get out of the medical bay with those restraints amazed the hell out of me."

She took a tissue that Nurse Steele handed to her and looked down at Spock Prime removing his outer robe and Spock's shirt, leaving the younger one bare-chested.

Her Spock was flushed a dark olive and was panting heavily.

McCoy held the tri-coder over him and tsked. " He's sick as a dog, the wily green devil. A hypo of..."

The older Vulcan held up his hand to ward off the doctor's spray. " You may give it to him after the _kash-nohv_ ( mind-meld), I want him to be as lucid as possible given he is still under the effects of the _to'tsu'k'hy_ (nerve pinch). Everybody, touch me or Spock on the floor below and think of your strongest memories involving him. The ones with the most feeling."

Everybody complied but a curious Kirk asked what he was up to.

" I'm going to _shock_ his system Jim and hopefully jump-start his emotions by helping to amplify and project yours and everyone else's here. He wouldn't be able to recognize the human feelings as he and I are more Vulcan but I shall use my own emotions to translate them for his mind."

" Why do you think this would work?" asked a skeptical McCoy.

Prime looked fondly at the younger, alternate version of himself as he lined his fingers against his psi points. " Because I once had to be taught to recognize and identify my emotions by another Vulcan when I found myself young once again."

Bones looked at Jim with a frown. " What the hell is he talking about?"

The Captain shrugged and rested his hand on Prime's shoulder.

He wanted to draw it away as soon as it made contact with his skin because he could feel everyone else in the room.

Inside his head.

The crowd was agitated by the feeling of disorientation but Prime gathered them to himself and guided them over to their Spock's sluggish mind. Kirk felt a tug as the elder plucked at a few emotive memories of Spock and he felt embarrassed as he saw them replay before them.

His heated debate with Spock in front of the Admirals' panel swirled into color where he was red with anger. How dare he have mentioned his father, he only knew he by the books, not as a man! It faded into the floor of the bridge, brand new and gleaming now coated with his blood as Spock waylaid him across the room, crashing him onto the console. He was yellow with panic as Spock's hand tightened around his neck, purple with frustration that they could not work together and blue with guilt for using his dead mother as a pawn to gain control of the ship.

The memory faded with a puff and he saw McCoy exchanging banter with Spock in the medical bay and on the bridge. McCoy was orange with confusion, he didn't really know what to make of the Vulcan but he had grown to like him and the challenge he could offer in verbally insulting one another.

Nurse Chapel audibly groaned as the bright, cheery affection and admiration of Spock literally colored her memories of him rosy pink.

Sulu's sparring matches flowed in with red hot excitement only to be over turned by Chekov's quiet green contemplation as he grappled against the Commander in a game of 3D chess. Both of the men admired the Vulcan's ability to make them work harder but treasured his friendship even more.

Scotty had a steely gray memories of gabbing over layouts and blueprints of the Enterprise and his own shared magenta pink love for the ship with Spock.

Hendorff played a frightening scene in stark white of a Klingon warrior towering over him with a D'k tagh in hand plunging down for a death blow. Before it could reach him, the commander used suus mahna to deflect the blow and redirect it to a neighboring Klingon. A deep navy pooled into their minds as he expressed his relief and sincere gratitude towards him.

A number of visions played from fellow crew members, some funny, others serious but Spock Prime pulled on Nyota's thoughts last.

It was a whirlwind of emotion. With Spock she had seemed to experience it all. Her titillating crush on him as she watched him in class tickled all those who watched it, and her dizzy delight at their first kiss caused others to sigh. He green jealousy and anger as he spoke with an attractive female Vulcan during a few shore leaves back.

Spock Prime streamed the memories rapidly now producing a medley of color. It streaked before their closed eyes like the Aurora Borealis brought to life within their heads.

The collected emotions swelled into a great wave of shocking electricity and as it started to crash Prime channeled it into his counterpart's mind.

When it hit, the emotional run-off surged into everyone touching the Vulcans. Many of them released the holds in fits of emotions.

Some were crying controllably, a few were moaning in pleasure while others were laughing hysterically.

Spock of their time bolted upright, gasping for air. It took a few moments for everyone to collect themselves and calm down. Prime was solely unaffected and sat quietly observing the crew wipe away tears and blow noses as he pulled his outer garb back on.

Kirk rubbed his eyes and blinked a bit. " Ugh, I'll never get use to this." he groaned.

Nyota watch her Spock with a mix of apprehension and anticipation.

Once he looked more or less settled Prime extend his hand and asked for his thoughts. He complied and the two joined their minds once more. When they finally separated everyone had more of less recovered from their bout with the emotional tidal wave.

Spock turned to Nyota and she felt her heart leap. They would get through this she thought. They would get counseling, though not from that Ensign any longer if she had it her way, and they would move past this and grow stronger than they ever had been. Sure she would have to take some time to deal with him almost...yes she would have to take time for that but the Spock she knew would gladly honor her with it and heal her recovery with those memories.

She extended her fingers in _ozh'esta_ (finger embrace) and he quickly met them with his own two.

She froze and made a horrible whimpering noise.

His feelings were muted and dull. Where they had once been a mighty, blazing inferno of fiery passion they stood as now fickle flames, small and dim within him.

She searched around in ashes of his mind even as her mind told her heart the truth. Her body trembled once more and through their bond he could feel Nyota's overwhelming sorrow. She stood quickly before he or the others could detain her and sped to her bedroom, locking the door behind her.

" _Ko-kugalsu_ (intended/fiancee)?" he called after her but she did not answer.

She felt defeated and cheated.

She felt like a fool and a victim.

Nyota fell to her floor on her hands and knees as she tried to stop hyperventilating when reality clawed and ripped her apart. She felt it, saw it and knew it in him but she did not want to face it.

She wilted into herself and wailed like someone dying.

He no longer loved her.


	11. Chapter 11

Spock pressed Nyota's door chime for the third time before using his override code as commander to enter her quarters.

He and other members of the ship rarely ever saw her outside of the bridge and her quarters as she took her meals and time off duty away from everyone else.

He still felt a great affinity towards Nyota and found her more than aesthetically pleasing but he could not lie that he was still loved her. Vulcans could not lie.

He walked carefully through the darkness as he sought her out through their bond. When he found her laying curled on the bed, he felt his chest constrict. Her eyes found his and they stared at each other, waiting for something to happen. Nyota neither approved of his arrival in her bedroom or found it intrusive, she just laid their impassively.

The numbness rolling from her into their bond made his temples throb like a headache.

He looked down searching the cabin floor for a source of relief.

To regain his emotions after living without them for days was overwhelming enough but to be confronted with his mate's lament was to the point of being physically painful.

He walked towards the bed and sat down lightly beside her. She watched him with puffy red eyes but made no attempts to interact with him. He shifted to face her and studied her face carefully.

"Nyota,..you must know,...you should know that I am so very sorry." he declared almost timidly. " Though it is illogical to wish that events were different I find myself doing so on a regular basis. I...I wish that I had not performed Kolinahr, that I did not do so without discussing it with you first, that I had not kept myself from you before the ritual and then pushed myself onto you afterwards. Most of all I wish that I had not hurt you. I am ashamed."

Nyota looked at him blankly but he could feel the fog of her numbness fading. He continued, trying to free her from its hold.

" The guilt I feel towards you is unlike other that I have ever experienced. I forced you into a position of subjugation and mortal danger as you fought to rescue the person you once knew me to be. That I caused you so much pain in your efforts to preserve the essence of who I was keeps me up at night. Though your physical strength is no match compared to mine, your mental fortitude to carry on has rendered me speechless at times."

He reached out and held her hand, slowly feeling himself becoming submerged in her doleful mind. She allowed him entrance into her thoughts, letting him see that she had surrounded herself in recollections of them together like ancient terran photographs scattered on the floor of her mind.

She was mourning them. Memories of warm, loving moments stood out starkly against the dark blue of her dolorousness.

The memories stirred into motion spinning around the two of them. While they revolved around her like planets in orbit she clutched one in particular very tightly to her heart. He drew closer seeking to view it and she shifted the memory in her hold so that he may.

_It was morning. Even with the overcast sky, blue pale light poured into the apartment through his windows. Nyota was laying there with him in bed, her hair cascading over his chest like bolts of blacken silk. He was stroking her cheek and admiring the way that her eyes looked when she had just awakened. He aligned his thumb and fingers along the side of her face as she turned to meet them and both of them sighed in pleasure. _

_They were so happy that the word itself was offensive in its efforts in trying to describe the feeling of it. It was so much more than a happiness one may get from being supremely content. Their level of comfort and familiarity was so high that nothing ( no feelings of doubt or self-consciousness) barred them from the other._

_They were in love. Sweeter than the most thrilling of moments lived out during a crush and more intimate than the act of sex could ever be. The plane of their existence was within one another. No longer would a physical place be called their home. Now their life and soul would be housed in a person._

_They laid there under the sheets, oblivious to the world and enraptured by their joy. They had desired the feeling and they found it, spilling in an overflowing abundance by the other._

_He was her lover and she his beloved and they wanted for nothing outside of themselves. He opened his eyes to see her glowing up at him._

_He knew that she knew his feelings but he desired to express them aloud for the first time. _

_" I love you."_

_She looked pained as her eyebrows crinkled upwards but he was met with her mental declaration of the same sentiment. The feeling reverberated between them, as they graciously received it and selflessly gave it back. They were one._

The bright light of the tender scene dimmed as Nyota drew it back tightly against her.

Spock opened his eyes and saw her weeping once more. Her anguish washed over him and before he knew what he was doing he gathered his mate against him. He kissed her and rubbed his face against hers, his stubble catching on the hairs that had slipped free of her sleep bonnet.

She whimpered softly as he cradled her face, choking on a sob as he caught her tears between his lips. He no longer wanted to be the cause for the water trickling from her eyes. He did not want to make her numb and lukewarm to life.

He wanted to build her up, make her radiant just like her namesake. He wanted to heal her. She had gone above and beyond, to hell and back for him. And it moved him to feel her heart resinate that she would do it all over again. That despite his inability to recapture his old feelings for her she did not regret reviving his emotions.

It was hard to breath and as he coughed he felt a hot, wetness crawling across his face. He stilled his body save his hand that was reaching up to meet the moisture. He drew it back and was surprised to see water.

He was crying.

He had not cried during _Va'Pak_. He had not even shed them at the moment he knew his mother to be dead or anytime there after. It was this lithe, African woman that had seized him so much as to perform a biological function he thought himself unable to do.

He gasped and rubbed at his eyes but they would not stop flowing. Nyota looked up and watched him in wonder.

Through the blur of his tears he beheld Nyota, the essence of half heart and soul and forced his quivering throat to still so that he could speak.

" _Ni'droi'ik nar-tor _(I ask forgiveness)!" he begged. He swallowed the nasal drip going down his throat but it did not alleviate the burn within it. He felt like he was going to choke on the very feeling of remorse.

It was a particularly odd sensation that coursed through him knowing that he had murdered what they once were in hopes of trying to save himself and she had almost killed herself in hopes of saving them. Even more strange was to not feel her offense of it. She was just beside herself with grief.

He did not deserve to cry, it was she that hurt more, that had paid the bigger price but he found himself unable to stop. Nyota wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. His hands hung in the air as if suspended on simple action of brushing her lips to his had stupefied him. She clung to him, pulling Spock closer still into a crushing embracing. She broke the kiss and settled her wet cheek against his own.

" Whether or not you deserve my love wasn't the point. When we shared ourselves the way we did, it wasn't about whether we had earned or deserved it, our love was about a mutual need and desire. We belong to one another, Spock."

Nyota stroke his free cheek and he leaned into the touch groaning. It was painful to feel, especially at this moment but he knew himself to be richer for it. Without the highs and the lows felt through out passage of time, what was there to really define his life's existence? Accomplishments? Discoveries? All of those things paled in comparison to the love that he saw that he once shared with his former k'diwa.

To be unconditionally loved by someone as beautiful and emotionally rich as Nyota was his greatest point in life.

" What was I to do after you purged yourself? Was I suppose to forget we ever happened and move on? Spock, I could not even fathom how to begin to do that! What we had, what we were, was more than enough reason to try and rid you of your _Kolinahr_ but you have to understand that I wanted to save _you_! And I know from my memories of you that you would have done the very same thing to save me. Your only regret being that you could not bring the person you knew back..."

She stops speaking, too upset to continue but he knows what she would say. She was a fool to the world, a woman that couldn't see past her love enough to save herself from harm. Nyota struggled with the feelings of embarrassment and doubt. Her words lay bare within her mind for him to see and he embrace her soundly. She sunk against him limply, feeling worn and weary.

" We can not go back to the way things were." he said softly, regaining some of his composure. She did not stir so he continued.

" Perhaps,...we could try to move forward? While I can not guarantee you anything beyond my friendship, I would ask to remain bonded to you. Nyota, you are well within your rights to deny me and logic surely tells you to part from me but I truly desire to stay with you. Though the odds are not in our favor, I hope that one day I could love you once more, Nyota. Love you better than I once did. So strongly that not even Kolinahr could tear you from me."

Her mind and soul swam in a pool of unease but her heart slowly and timidly sought him out. He held the frail and mangled flower of her love for him and pressed Nyota to wait.

"_ Do not feel the need to rush. We have the rest of our lives and whatever your decision, I shall wait _." he murmured gently in his native tongue. She nodded feebly and he felt her relief. " _You shall always be my only beloved, no one shall ever replace you. If you should not have me, then there would be no one to ever take that place_."

Nyota surprised him again by shifting out of his arms and slowly shedding her bed clothes. When she pulled off her satin cap three long braids dancing around her shoulders. He looks at her as she begins to undo them and replaces her small hands with his own. She watches him unravel them, tenderly combing his fingers through her hair before moving on to the next one.

When he is done, he stands and strips himself bare as well. Her soft palms run across the familiar planes of his torso before drawing him back beside her on the bed.

Spock captured her mouth and lifted her onto his lap, groaning into their kiss as he felt her smooth skin brush against him. She was cool and soft and delightfully human. Spock felt a dizzy rush as she sucked and bit at his bottom lip.

They were slow in their exploration, as if they were new to one another and in a way they were. Spock's lusty affection made Nyota buzz with a giddy high while he found her deep rooted love to be heady and smooth.

She lead their dance by tilting her hips and hugging his waist with her legs. He stopped kissing her long enough to focus on lifting her by her hind side to align himself against her entrance. They drive one another mad by having him slide in gradually, inch by tantalizing inch. Once firmly planted within her they went back to caressing and kissing one another.

It wasn't about the sex itself but the intimacy that they both wanted. They were too tired to reasonable or rational about it. The time for logic and facts was put away in favor for passion. They wanted each other so they had each other.

He started rock against her and she rolled back onto him, both of them groaning into the cool, recycled air of the cabin.

They exchanged words of affection through the bond and did not hold back. _Precious_ Spock would say and Nyota would reply with _Darling_. The endearments grew more heated as Nyota grew closer to completion. She bit her at her lip, trying to stave off her pleasure but it broke upon her in a breathtaking wave. She would typically let her body fall back and revel in the feelings but she grabbed Spock by the shoulders and bit his neck as hard as she could.

Something because a hiss and a purr escaped his mouth and he plunged into her deeply.

" _T'nash-veh...t'nash-vah du ek'wak_! ( Mine,...you are mine forever!)" she growled into his flesh.

He shuttered and groaned out in reply as he came within her. "_ Ha, T'du,...t'du ek'wak_ (Yes, yours...yours forever)!" he purred.

They stopped locked together until she pushed her weight against him leading him down to the bed. She lifted her hips and ground against his pelvis where she was still sensitive and she felt him grow harder as he fed off of her lust. He soon found his hands buried into skin of Nyota's waist, lifting and impaling her onto his lok. She clawed at him, marking him in anyway she found pleasing. His sides were lined with chartreuse welts and he had a series of her bite marks adorning his skin. She took him with her words as well both audible and in mind.

"_Ashau nash-veh du_. ( I love you)" she said as she jerked her hips and made him moan.

_/ Mine...no one else's...I got your back and you shall never leave me again...precious lover...my most dear...my heart...my bitch.../_

" Nyota!" he moaned in surprise. She had never been so...vocal before nor have she ever attempted to label him as a female dog. He was shocked but found it thrilling none the less. If he should ever be scandalized he would always want it to be by his bondmate. She loved him and would not demean him in such a belittling fashion outside of intercourse. This was merely his human female laying claiming to her Vulcan mate and he was thoroughly enjoying it.

As she felt her belly coil once more she offered her neck and her face for a meld. He happily accepted both. She came and he followed shortly after as he teeth broke her skin with a satisfying snap against his mouth. He released her and caught her mouth in a primal kiss, the blood mixing as their tongues curled against one another.

They were a mess but to say that they were beyond caring was an understatement. Spock crawled fully onto the bed and took Nyota with him. He was still recovering from the many vaccines the doctor had given him and found himself almost sleepy with fatigue. Nyota had no trouble curling up beside him, getting ready to doze herself.

He stroked her back and she smiled broadly, the sight startling with his blood staining her mouth green. But he wanted this. He wanted to be with her, just as much as she did as she fought for him. The fight was over and though their were causalities, life being linear continued on.

They had just began to sleep when Chekov's voice came over the comm issuing the Captain's orders everyone to report for a rescue mission of the planet Nibiru.

Both were tired and rose up with exhaustion stiffening their limbs. The made themselves presentable and made their way to the Captain's ready room. They looked at each other out of the corner of their eyes as the Captain briefed them of the mission's objective.

As the meeting was adjourned, Nyota motioned Kirk over.

He came with something resembling his usual swagger but he almost seemed as tired as she was. He stared at her with piercing eyes.

" Everything...okay now?" he asked sounding less like a male Captain and more like a mother.

She nodded and shifted from foot to foot. " Yes, as good as it can be. I just wanted to let you know...I just wanted to thank you for everything. You're a really great guy, Jim."

Kirk's face went from bashful to humbled as he took in her words. " I wouldn't have had it any other way, Uhura."

A smile was lightly painted across her lips and she looked the best Jim had seen her in a long time. And for that he was thankful.

She caught Spock before he went off to get dressed for the mission and pulled him over to the side with a hug. " I know you have to go but I wanted a kiss before you did."

She pushed her fingers against his and smiled as she spoke through the bond.

/ Apart but never parted, k'diwa./

His heart fluttered and he sent the feeling back, seeing her smile as it sunk in.

/ Yes, once apart but never parted./

A/N: Well we find ourselves at the end. What did you think? Please let me know and review please please please. I won't get any better if you don't LOL and I'll continue to write stronger if you do. Thanks SO VERY MUCH to everyone who has reviewed already. I know it's tempting to just jetty off to the next fic but you don't know how good it feel to see that someone actually took time to review you even if it was to berate me for being non-canon LOL. It puts me on cloud9 :D

Again as I said in earlier notes, this was a gift for Valyria and her awesomeness, got check out her fics, they are absolutely amazing.

PoorQueequeg has a gift coming up next that I think you all will enjoy that will feature more of the TOSAU cast while still having S/U being shipped. And I still have to flippin' finish Honi A'a which if I'm honest with myself was really only suppose to be a one shot that morphed into a monster that I either have to finish or delete.

Random Sidenote: I listened to a lot of music during my time of writing this and I'll list it here for you to browse at your leisure: Precious by Van Hunt, Black and Gold by Sam Sparro, Someone that I use to know by Goyte, What can I say( for Millicent) by Van Hunt, Fortunate by Maxwell, Final Distance remix by Utada feat. Mflo, Our day will come sung by Amy Winehouse, One by Metallica, and lastly Kaola's Lament by Lovage.


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